The Story

Once, I hosted a mourning dove family in my balcony. First I met the lovely couple as they were patiently building their nest.  It was the introduction to my adoration for how these little animals enjoy each moment peacefully together. They are by far the best couple I’ve yet to meet… Around that time, my balcony was a mess with unused old stuff and boxes. My lovely fellows nested on top of a tall box by the wall. Soon enough they had a little egg on which they brooded in turns. Their only separation took place so one can look for food while the other can keep the egg warm.

We had two babies (I say we, as by the time I was already considering myself a member of the family). After the babies were born, my adoration for the family made a peak. It was my meditation to watch them together. The loving, caring, nurturing and joyful moments of the family were the moments for me to witness heaven from my balcony window. Over time,  it became my morning ritual to have breakfast while the parents keep me company on the kitchen window. I don’t know how, but we could express our love in ways that were giving me goose bumps every morning. As part of the ritual, after breakfast I was going to my balcony window to check on the kids.

It was one of these mornings, and I was having my breakfast as I heard a caw coming from a very close distance. I instinctually run the balcony and found a crow face to face with the babies. Scared him away but his return was obvious, so I started waiting for the crow’s next visit. It didn’t take him long, and I could not be there 24/7… I had no other option but to try the oldest known method, a scarecrow. I created my super cute scarecrow by the help of a toy clown, an ironing table and an old jacket. It worked! I was extremely happy to see everyone alive in my first return home. I succeeded, I saved their lives. (I)

We kept on the morning ritual, and the kids were growing. At first, every time I hear a caw I was running to the balcony, later on I realized that a crow family is living on top of the tree across my apartment. Some need to hide, some need to hunt… Knowing the crows live close by, I stopped checking the kids on every caw.

One day, I heard another caw but continued my breakfast. By the time I came to check the kids, they were gone… I felt like stabbed on my heart. “I should have checked on them! This time it sounded very close!” An instant regret and sorrow took over me. I didn’t know what to do, I disappointed them… As I couldn’t stay there and walked into another room, dove couple came after me to the window of that room. They were making sounds and trying to get my attention but I was too sad to see them so I changed my room again. They followed, whichever room I went the couple came after me… Thinking that they were blaming me for the absence of their kids, I even tried telepathy to transmit the message “It wasn’t me who took your babies, it was the crow!” (Yes, I was sitting by the window looking at two doves and imagining a crow taking their babies…) I couldn’t convince them but somehow they convinced me to go back to the balcony. They started flying inside from one end to another with a rush like there is an emergency. The couple finally had my full attention, I was surprised by their act. They made me look more carefully so I could see the baby that fell down on the floor and got stuck in the mess. (They were not blaming me, as they don’t have minds such as ours. They were just calling for my help.) I rescued the baby and put him back on the nest, thinking he fell while the crow got his sibling. With a busy mind full of scenarios and investigating the murder scene, I saw a little wing stuck between the box and the wall! As I was scared to see the pieces of my murdered fellow, I found the baby in one piece! (Obviously they had started moving and one fell in front while the other fell on the back..) I was so happy, it felt like I didn’t just notice those wings but wore them and flew… I rescued the other baby, cut the nest from that box and fixed it on a more stable place. Yes, I did it, saved their lives again. (II)

It was some days after the last rescue, kids were more than half size of their parents and a lot mobile on their nest. I had a friend over, and my balcony window was within my sight. As we were talking, one of the kids flew off the balcony! I run to the window with great excitement and worry. First, looked at the tree in front of my apartment, but he was not there. I looked down and there he was, on the window of my downstairs neighbor. Now I was really worried as he not only failed to fly but also was exposed to all the dangers. I watched and waited for him to fly away but he didn’t even try… After awhile of waiting I had to get back since I had a company. My friend continued talking but my mind was still on my neighbor’s window. It didn’t take me long to check on my little friend again. He wasn’t there… I could only see some feathers and a stain I don’t want to understand. I moved my eyes to the next window. There he was… In the mouth of a crow. I had an eye contact with the murderer of my heaven representative. I guess he didn’t enjoy the pain in my eyes so flew away. I was sad, but more than that surprised. The story called me, made me witness everything. The dove could fly off the balcony anytime but chose for me to be present. The crow could flew away but waited for me to see. I was very sad, true. But now that I recall, deep inside I felt lucky. It wasn’t just a story, it was my wake up call.

The following days of the incident, I found myself blaming and cursing the crow. I had done everything I could have, but couldn’t change the destiny of my dear friend. “It is all the crow’s fault. He ruined my family. Fuck crows! They are evil…” Decoding it into its favorite victim story, my mind was enjoying the situation.

Then I woke up… It was one of those days with my mind full of hatred, my eyes full closed, and my heart full locked. I found myself in the kitchen, cursing at the crow, with a pan in my hand. There was a big bloody steak on the pan. I was speechless, and lost.. A different kind of lost though, not like I was on my way and made a wrong turn. No, it felt like I was lost for a long time… Unexpectedly, it was the most comforting feeling, at least finally I knew I was lost. I tell you my dear friends, sometimes knowing you are lost is the most beautiful feeling of all.

A couple days after my moment in the kitchen, in the middle of the night I woke up, walked to my computer and started typing… I was typing what I remember, not what I think. I wrote my first and maybe the most meaningful of “something”. It took me 5-10 mins to finish. A person such as I, can’t write his name in such a short time. A person such as I, can’t like anything that’s written in such a short time. (I’m talking about the “I” from the times I thought I know myself.) But here I am, sharing it with you. Because I know my mind didn’t create it, my heart remembered.

Crow and Dove

Is it the final mourning he asked?
Because I feel like this is the ultimate morning
I was a mourning dove in my dream
But I woke up in the mouth of a crow

What a nightmare my mind […]